Dear Diary : Wayne and I....well we did it.

"Come to papa baby, yea, I love it when you do that, you driving me crazy baby, you see why I cant let you go? Always knows my red spots. Yea....yea... oh baby...can yo...

"Just shut up Wayne, with all these talks I cant concentrate" I said rolling off him.

Wayne gathered me in his arms, I love the way he breathes on my skin, love the sound of his chest beating, love the way he smells, love.....

"Sweetheart, I dont like it when you call me Wayne, cant you call me something sexy? A pet name even, when you address me with my full name I feel less loved by you. I know you still think me a boy, stop hurting me, I love you so much.

Oh boy, trust Wayne to spoil my mood always with his long sermons, ofcourse I still think him a boy, I feel silly trying to call him sweet names...

Baby, he was shaking me and speaking directly into my ears, giving it a small bite, "say something"

"Wayne dear I have a lot in my mind now, you wont understand"

"Ure, why dont you see me as your equal? We kiss, we make love, give each other a head, miss each other when we are not together, yet you withhold some aspects of your life from me,is not fair baby, how do I explain my feelings for you? You are all the woman I will ever need, please fill me in, ok, Tell Daddy all about it.

Dear Diary : Ifem got a new boo

One mumu conductor called me "orobo" complained Ifem
And so? Orobo is not derogatory, is just a general term for fleshy people, I said

I don't like it, infact once a customer use that term to address me , I always delay their transactions and make them sweat. They can call their mothers orobo not a fine babe like me, imagine walking confidently on the road and one ass start chanting "orobo, orobo" behind you, that's very embarrassing, I swear, Ifem complained

Ok that's at your work station, you can only control it there, once you are outside you cant be fighting anybody that calls you that, can you?
No she agreed with me.

"Ure let me jist you , Alhaji Bakko dashed me a 100k today, hmmm, I might just go ahead and accept his relationship offer, dude is in money, you know? I will even make sure he open more accounts with my bank, Alhaji be dashing money like is made of paper, Chai! In my next life eh, I will have money, loads of it, infact shit loads of it.

Hmmm, I said

"What's hmmm? Is that all you can come up with? So after all this my long epistle all you can come up with is Hmmmm? Why are you so tonguetied these days? Still the Wayne effect? I love you when you are a chatterbox not this new forming whatidontknowquiet you, say something biko, should I accept or not?

Dear Diary : Lucy missed her period

So Lucy announced to no one in particular she missed her period.

I just eyed her and continued braiding Nkechi's hair

Ifem laughed, everybody was silent.

"So none of you want to congratulate me or even wish me well, ok oo, said Lucy

"Wish you well on what? Did you invent anything to deserve our congratulations? Hope you are joking anyway and for who? I mean who is responsible for it" asked Ifem pointing at Lucy's tummy.

"URE  you are Quiet, whassamatter? Said Lucy to me

"No comment, answer Ifem's questions first, maybe I will have something to say"

"Honestly guys I dont know who is responsible, I was with Luke in the morning and the next day with Chidi. And they both did without condom! How can you tell in this case? Please help me"

"And they both did without condom, mimicked Ifem, listen to yourself Lucy,  Ure please help her, I am out of here" Ifem said to me walking away.

Well, you are an idiot, that is if you are not joking, the decision is yours. But Lucy is that not so stupid of you? I.mean you have no protection,no contraceptive, nothing nothing, and you call yourself an adult? I am not judging, who am I even to judge. Hope you know you wont have any baby in this house?

Ure I can't have this baby,  I just need some  cash to visit a clinic, can you float me some cash? I promise to pay back.

Dear Diary : Lucy writes a long letter. ......

I was Watching Discovery Chanel on cable when Lucy suddenly shouted "Thunder fire your papa, Idiot"  and she was typing furiously on her phone.

'Who is Thunder firing for you again this evening?  Is it not better you send Amadioha to finish the job" said Ifem to her

"Who is Amadioha" asked Daisy

"Amadioha is like Sango,  I don't know the Calabar version of him,  They are God's of thunder" I explained to her

"Ure I told you I am not Calabar,  I am from Akwaibom " Daisy snapped at me

" Daisy darling,  Calabar and Akwaibom are the same to some of us,  we can't tell the difference,  you guys use the same tongue twister kind of language,  deal with it. I said to Daisy who was seriously frowning
Lucy talk to us, who is it and what is the persons crime?

"Is it not Michael? He wants to date me again after dumping me to wed that stick of a wife last month" said Lucy

" Wait oo, Michael don reach sugar daddy? Imagine insult, he is yet to buy baby food and his brain is telling him he can afford side chick, infact Sango Amadioha, Thor and Hercules will join hands together to strike the fool dead, Mtsheeew
Hissed Ifem.

"Don't mind him, I am writing him a long letter now, telling him my mind and what I think of his demeaning offer"

"Lu is it not that Mike that said you are too fat for marriage,  that calls you "Mama" when he takes you out and see his friends? Is he not same person? I am confused here. Why reject a woman because of her size, marry the size he desired only to come back and make that same size a side chick? Does it make any sense? I asked them

"Hmmmm, is not good atall" sighed Nkechi

" I said I am writing him a letter Ure, wait and see,  I will read it out to you guys when I am through, nobody should separate this fight because it will not end here,  anyday I jam him outside I must tear his head so he will know who he is joking with"  Lucy was clearly angry and was pounding away at her phone.

"Be reading it out to us as you are typing, though I would have preferred Ifem to write the letter, she writes with anger " Ifem tell her what to write" I Said

"Ok" Ifem and Lucy agreed

"I am so angry I can't type, Lucy hold the phone let me dictate, you type.

"Write to him like this. ......."Michael you just wed your wife, are you tired already that you need a side chick?
Have you typed it? Should I go on?

"CHAI, I made a mistake I sent it to him, said Lucy, wait he is replying me now,  but talk I will type it  but will send all later.

" Michael do you know the reason why we chicks date Married Men? Let me tell you, we date them for the dough, the cash, the comfort the security. That is why a girl can proudly call him her sugar daddy.
A sugar daddy does not have a young newly wedded wife, he does not have toddlers, he does not use his side chick as his therapist where he can report his wife and the choices she makes. A sugar Daddy is trading his old wife for a new exciting chick who is there for his Ego and to resurrect his already dead Libido.

"Wait, hold on Ifem, he just replied, he says he needs me in his life, that he married the lady for his family that his heart is not there, he loves me, he is sorry, he will make it up to me, he said. ....

"Lucy are you reading all those thrash from him? Tell him to go and Die straight , ah ah said Daisy cutting Lucy off, infact continue your typing and send it to him immediately so that as he is reading others will be coming in, he won't have time to be typing thrash to you.

"Michael if you are digesting your evening beer with your side chick you can't be called a sugar daddy
If you turn your side chick to a shrink that helps you to understand your wife's character you are not up to a sugar daddy
If you cannot and has never paid your babes house rent for three years or give her an equivalent sum for business Please you can never be a sugar Daddy!
If you still discuss Pampers, Abidec, Peak 123, Nutrend, Cerelac, Huggies, montessori, ballet, lesson teacher, family planning pills, house rent, fuel scarcity, salary increase with your wife, God forbid you to be a sugar Daddy!

"Ifem you are too much jare, I said nodding in wonder, tell it to Michaelfool..... what is he replying I asked Lucy

"He is typing Ok, Ok, here oooo, lol

"Go on Ifem"

" If you can't afford to buy a car for your side chick, furnish her house or sponsor a shopping trip for her, Please don't bother you can't be addressed as a Sugar Daddy
" If your wife and kids are not financially ok, your family never vacationed outside the country, Michael not in this life, Sugar daddyhood can never be for you!

"Finally if you still Shagg your wife after shagging your side chick same day forget it, it's a no no no,  you are disqualified from being a Sugar Daddy!

"He us now asking when we can see face to face" announced Lucy

"tell him to go fuck himself " I said to her.

Dear Diary : Burning things 2

When I came home after work the same scene I left at Aunty Nana's house earlier today met me at home,  only this time there was Ifem and no Aunty Nana.

"Hi everyone" I said cheerfully walking past them and ignoring the still crying Evelyn!

"Ure you are so heartless, I was told how you attacked Evelyn even when you know the poor girl had her heart broken by someone she has loved and lived with for four years!  That's not fair,  we all know how painful and traumatic heartbreaks can be. The least you can do is to be nice it costs nothing.  She is your friend! Ifem shouted at me.

"Ifem are you high? Are you sure you are normal atall? What is my business with Miss Goody-two-shoes who was stupid enough to let a guy cultivate her farm without dividend for four whole years? Am I now the heartbreak police? Abeg free me. What do you expect me to do? Pamper and breastfeed her? Take her out to dinner?or even go kill Osa's on her behalf?

"Ure you just heartless,  admit it,  don't be feeling fly now because you are dating that little shit,  one day this might happen,  it will be your turn and.....

"That little shit finance and bankroll my life without wasting my mascara,  that little shit respects and love me,  that little shit never weed my farm not to talk of senselessly cultivating it,  should I go on? I was equally shouting back at her

"All I am saying is that you are very wicked and heartless,  said Ifem.

"YOU keep repeating how wicked I am over and over again Ifem,  may I ask you who have once took her "sweetheart's"  toothbrush to a public toilet, washed the toilet with it, returned it safely to the "Sweetheart's" toilet? Then watch him brush his teeth with the toothbrush, while you  Miz Heartful  massaged his back?

"Who once allowed her guy to wash her plate even when she knew is that time of the month? Ans: Miz so-kind

"Who once used her own urine to mix Pap for her father because "Randy Daddy" was screwing outside?

"who once u...... "Ure you have made your point" Jesus! Ifem did you do all these? Lucy asked

Ifem was walking away

"Oh yes,  come back let's discuss wickedness and heartless,  so you know I am still a learner in that department,  My dear Osa is very lucky,  had he been messing with you,  that car will be charcoal by now" I said to her retreating back

"Ure please is OK,  and shut up Evelyn,  what is it?  Said Nkechi

Dear Diary : Burning Things.... 1

Dennis brought my phone to me,  I was almost done braiding a customers hair,  The phone started ringing as I touched it.
Aunty Nana's name was displayed on the screen.

"Hello Aunty"  I said into the receiver

"" Ure can you come down to my place when you are less busy? We have an emergency,  please hurry ""

"Alright Aunty,  30mins more I will be with you ""

I resumed the ritual of hot water soaking of the braids then thinking what would make Aunty Nana call me.

I finished in less than ten minutes,  excused myself from the customer, got permission from My Madam to go.

I walked into Aunty Nana's place,  her house girl asked me to join her upstairs.  Aunty Nana opened the door herself and was peering past me as if she was expecting a mob with me. 

Strange I thought to myself.

She lead the way to her sitting room and I was shocked to see Lucy,  Nkechi,  Daisy and a very haggard looking Evelyn. 
"What's going on here" I asked puzzled.

Evelyn was avoiding my gaze and was dabbing her eyes with a tissue paper supplied by Aunty Nana who is also patting her back and mumbling something to her.

I sat down waiting for an explanation,  when I got none,  I started looking at my wrist watch pretending I was checking the time and also to show I don't have much time,  I was impatient.

"Ure you buy new watch? You never wear a working wrist watch,  that's why I ask" Said Daisy adjusting herself to check my watch.

I gave her a dirty look for that.....

"Ure something terrible happened today,  Evelyn  burned down Carl's car this morning,  she met a girl at the house,  she was so furious,  that she borrowed matches from a neighbor and set the car on fire,  when the car started burning and exploded she got scared and ran.  She is here now and needs protection" Aunty Nana was explaining to me,  while Evelyn was sobbing and shedding tears,  then she started wailing loudly,  her nose was leaking too,  the tears ran down her face to meet the nose then the liquid joins her mouth while she swallow some and spit out some.

"I am confused here,  Ivie can you shut up for once ? You burned down a car in a jealously induced rage,  don't kill yourself"  but prepare to go to jail I said to her

That made her wail even more loudly

" she came to the house for sanctuary,  I don't want her to get us into trouble that's why I brought her to Aunty Nana's place,  Carl knows our house,  and that's the first place he will look,  I have already alerted Ifem at work in case she see Carl at her branch " explained Nkechi

" Better pikin" I said to her

"I think we should go over to Carl's place to find out the level of damage and apologize to him,  I don't want to be constantly watching my back, we all know Carl and what he is capable of,  and he knows of our friendship with Ivie,  Evelyn I mean " said Lucy

" Yes is better we disassociate ourselves from this matter on time,  Carl was a cult boy back at UniBen,  Ivie won't go scotfree and Carl might punish us as well " said a very frightened Daisy

" YOU people are just chickens " I said looking at Lucy, Nkechi, Daisy and Ivie. So you all believed Ivie burned down Osas's car?  She fit? If it had happened we would be at her funeral not gathered here watching her enjoy a cocktail of her tears and runny nose.  Ivie tell us the truth did you or did you not burn down the car?

"I... She started sobbing again,  Nkechi have to elbow her hard on her ribs.

"I nearly burned down the car,  I saw the girl kissing Osa I was furious,  Osa said she is his Fiancee and he pushed me out of his house and banged his door.  I asked his neighbour for matches he gave me,  I went downstairs to the car,  I gathered paper,  put it under the car,  light the matches but breeze kept on extinguishing it.  That was when Osa came down,  slapped me and throw my clothes at me then warned me never to cross his Street in my life,  I... I..... I..

"What did I tell you people?  The Ivie I know will never have Liver to burn a toy car" I said triumphantly

Aunty Nana you self know Osa nah,  forget his new name Carl,  Osa will strangle Ivie one hand,  this is not an emergency, to warrant pulling me out from work.

when they were playing love all over the town,  I no tell you Ivie, that this day will come? I no tell you?  Did you listen? No you didn't,  love was shacking you,  I am surprised you did not arm yourself with a shotgun and blow your brains off!  Abeg I am going back to work someone should get her a big bucket to fill it with tears......

imagine! Some girls are fools,,  they will be dating a guy that is not dating them! .

Dear Diary : Today was a good day. ...

"Ure come and see your Husband on Television"   I heard Lucy shouting from the sitting room.
I rushed out only to see the Footballer Wayne Rooney chasing leather all over the field!

"Hia" i hissed

"Every Wayne is your husband now oo" said Ifem

All of them doubled over with laughter

"Abeg my Wayne is more handsome "I said to them sitting down.

"Is it me or has anybody else notice the way Ure says My Wayne lately with dreamy loving eyes? Ifem asked the girls

"yes oo,  Ure is so in love says Daisy

" me too I noticed it" says Lucy

"who is Wayne Kwa asked Nkechi

"see Ure gradually falling in Love with that smallie,  after she will deny shagging him,  I can't descend so low,  boys are boys they are not yet Men,  slippers get size abeg" Ifem said.

"Oh please Ifem get a life,  conji is seriously calling your name,  must everything you think be Shagg? Sex and sucking?  if I have shagged Wayne I will tell you girls,  what's there,  Ifem I am not you abeg,  go shagg somebody,  your branch manager for a start,  Yes Kingsley fucked up but it does not mean my home girl won't shagg again " I said

" "Ure you know me nah,  Kingsley is history now,  go suck Waynes junior or even breastfeed him joor,  hahahaha.

"Ure won't you choose Wayne Rooney over Wayne weasel assuming Rooney wants to marry you? Asked Lucy,  with everybody laughing harder now.

"Nne I wish Rooney wants to marry me ooo,  ha who no like better thing?  I won't wait for him to ask Will you Marry me finish,  I will stop him at Will you,  snatch the ring from him,  put in my finger and say, "Yes my love I will marry you"

"Criminal" said Ifem laughing

"What if he wants to say "Will you check out this ring for me?  And you have already snatched it and wear?  Asked Daisy

" Or maybe he was holding the ring and he ask Ure,  will you pass me salt?  By then Ure has already snatched person ring put for finger " Nkechi said

" I will support Ure in this oooo,  once he is wealthy I don't care who the ring belongs to,  if he is not proposing,  I will leave with the ring,  go sell am for Mallam at Liverpool Apapa or Liverpool London depending on the location,  wetin kwoncern me".  Ifem said

All of us where laughing so hard Nkechi's tummy was moving up and down.

"What are we doing at home on a Saturday night bikonu? So none us has a date? I am ashamed oo,  even Ure sef is home,  where is Wayne? Asked Lucy

"he is out with friends" I said

"Aha I said it,  the disadvantages of dating little boys,  they will still go back to their mates" said Ifem

"Oh shut up Ifem,  I know what you are up to but you won't draw me into one of your silly debates. Yes he is off with his mates,  no big deal"  I said

"Daisy call Shade abeg let's follow her to Island club or Ikoyi club says Lucy

"Oh no not Shade,  I won't go with you girls,  that Shade brings out the worst in me"

"Not only you Ure,   with her silly bragging, " Otunba Ajose gave me one million naira yesterday,  I slept with Pasuma Wonder last week, Eko hotels has new a Lobby now........... mtsheeeeeeew Ifem hissed

"so Shade still behaves like a toddler eh,  I thought she married that her guy then,  what's his name...... Ermmm.... Chai.. Ehen Dimeji,  did they not marry again? Asked Nkechi

"Let me gist you nah,  Shade thought her Dimeji was Dimeji Bankole that minister nah,  you know she is an illiterate,  turns out all Dimeji no be Bankole oooo, hahahaha,  Chai I love Oga Nemesis,  she thinks life is all about shagging those rich yoruba men that buys her cars" Ifem said

"Ifem stop beefing the poor girl,  she buys you Lace materials when she travels out,  remember that before you join Ure to beef her " Lucy said to Ifem

"should I call her or not? Asked Daisy

" NO" We all shouted in unison

"YOU know Lu it is an insult to me by saying Shade buys me Lace, what  lace? "those cheap bend down select, oshodi oke Lace she picks for dash over there?  Tell her to upgrade to paying my house rent then I will worship her and sing her praises,  unlike you who she gives bags that have already peel finish.  Who dashing Lace don help?  Mtsheeeeeeeeeeest mtsheeeeeeew Ifem hissed again clearly pissed. Her face purple now.

"Ifem you know Shade is nice,  stop trying to rubbish her because you see Ure and Nkechi here" said Lucy

"And why are you not in the "nice girl's festac Duplex? Asked Ifem to Lucy
" let me answer that "the nice girl is afraid one of her sugar daddy will fall for you,  if that is the definition of true friendship I don't want to know the real meaning of Enemy" Ifem said again.

"knock it off guys,  who is buying drinks,  today is Saturday and we are home,  let's go to Auntie Nana's joint,  maybe we will be lucky enough to find free drinks and peppersoup and I want to practice my Ghana language with Aunty Nana too.  I never get pass "Akwaaba"  it means welcome in Ghana.  You guys know Wayne is half Ghana "

" This is so unbelievable,  Excuse Me" Ifem said to me

"YOU are Excused I replied her pulling her up to her feet.🐂

"Ure must you involve Wayne in anything you are doing or saying?  I won't be surprised you have already told him our life histories and the size of our Bras and pants" you seriously need to cut down on your relationship with the guy,  stop letting him shag your brains off!  Jeez  said Ifem to me looking very hot

"Abeg let's go to Nanaville before you start third  world war here ooo.

Dear Diary : Lucy Surprised me....

Ifem was entertaining a guest at the sitting room, with me present laughing at every unfunny joke the guy was making, Nkechi was foolishly feeding the guest and his two friends all our food, I was praying Nepa cease light so I can excuse myself and go out.
That was when Lucy made her grand entrance, on pants and Bras only! Lucy is the very tall, very curvy, very thick Plus size. She is built like a rock, a very beautiful breathtaking rock at that, wide hips, very flat tummy, full chest with twin ripe boobs threatening to spill out, endless well tanned legs. And she appeared almost naked that Ifem's flame spilled his drink, his friends looking hungrily at Lucys body.
"Ure, Ifem, did any of you see my Girdle pant? I have searched all over I can't see it, I saw only this" she was dangling a black silky pant and making a small provocative dance with her body, lips pouting, some guys will find that very arousing
"I pulled it here last night when I got home tired, please can you guys check where you are sitting, maybe one of you is sitting on it" she giggled innocently
By then Ifem was searching all over the cushion looking for the underwear so Lucy can take her naked self back to the room.
"Lu go inside, if we find it I will bring it for you" I said to her, wincing at the way her body was dancing, she was not standing still but pacing! This Lucy has the brain of a cup cake! Jeez! She was still standing there watching Ifem's movement, searching for her Girdle pant, smiling and sucking her thumbs like she has an imaginary lollipop.
Nkechi came out with a tray full of sandwiches, she nearly dropped the tray when she saw Lucy, she calmly placed the tray on top of the centre table, then she straightened herself, looked at Lucy shaked her head.
"Lucy your Girdle is not here, I have guests stop distracting them with your fatness, go wear another Girdle biko" says Ifem to her angrily while looking at me.
Lucy was leaning at the Dinning chair now, looking at all of us as if she is daring us to move her, she will slowly raise one leg up to inspect something there then put it down, touch her chest non challantly.
"Come oo Lucy, I don't know what you are working at, but this is not fair, if you have anything against Ifem, why not settle it privately, why this show of nudity? She has guests for Christ sake, I will push you myself if you don't leave now, says a very angry Nkechi.
"Erm..... I will suggest you let her be, maybe she wants to wear the cloth to somewhere and we are sitting on it, we are about leaving anyway, guys let's go" Ifem's guest was leaving with his friends.
I was speechless, Lucy just turn round and marched back to her room, swaying her hips and buttocks, Ifem's guests looking at her like they will tear her up and eat her. Ifem was guiding them to the door, looking drained.
Nkechi was very very angry, she went to the kitchen, came back with a ziplock bag and start packing the untouched sandwiches.
"What are we going to call this behaviour, Ure? Is this how you people live here now? She asked me.
I was about to answer when Ifem came in and burst out laughing, I and Nkechi was looking at her confused, this was not the reaction we expected from her, at least knowing Ifem, lucy's bags should be out of the house by now.
Lucy joined her at the sitting room and both of them were laughing their heads off.
"We planned it Lucy explained to me.
"Fucker was toasting me, won't take no for an answer, wants to know my house, so I planned this little drama with Lucy to show him how insane we all are to get rid of him, only I was not expecting him to show up with two of his friends" Ifem was explaining, I was thinking my plan has failed, Lucy won't come out again half naked in front of three guys but We did it she shouted happily .
"Jeez Ure relax, you look like someone died, Lucy you see why I begged you not to tell her, look at her face, the guy would have known we are acting had Ure known about it, Ure can't act to save her Life!
Chai Lucy you can act for Africa, you are a natural!
They were laughing while I hissed and left them to admire their new found Career.
I felt like a fool, Lucy should be my ally not Ifem's
I Am worried about this their new partnership.

Dear Diary : It wont be bad to part ways with Ifem 2

How could this idiot let Nelson that is Moore or less a Moron pour toxic sperm in her body and impregnate her?  I WILL hate that baby,  I am sure I will.

"Ure don't talk like that, I am also a single mother remember? It does not mean I am wayward or lose" says Ifem to me

"MY Dear you were a single mother in your teens, don't equate yourself with this old woman adding to the world's population by her idiocy, Please.

Oh my Life,  what a day, 

"Ure stop acting like Saint Solomona,  let's help our friend" Ifem said

"please I don't know her,  I retorted,  and walked out of Ifem's room to my room.

I was on the bed thinking when Nkechi poked her head inside and said

"Ah Ure I  heard you are back,  are you hungry? I made some coconut rice, vegetable soup and I also baked cake specially for you,  your favorite White velvet cake,  you can take it to work tomorrow,  I also made peppered chicken,  Munchies recipe,  you know I worked there once,  you will enjoy it.  Let me go dish for you"

When I didn't respond even with a grunt she walked towards me,  her tummy showing evidence of sex!sex! sex! So much that I nearly cried, very big and bulging,  Ifem said she is pregnant but didn't say she is almost due putting to bed

"Ure please I know you hate me right now,  can you just pretend to like me a little,  I am passing through a lot " you can show your disappointment and disapproval after I put to bed.  Bikonu ooo,  Nwanne Mmadu" Nkechi said to me straightening my hair.

I nod then asked her to dish my share,  then wrap it with foil and put inside freezer for me,  I will reheat when I am ready. 
🐏She nod and left.

I made a mental note to find out who is responsible for this, then assassinate him.

I will also ask Wayne for a loan, so I get her a small apartment, I can't stand her staying at my place, playing house Chef, walking around with that Tummy, very soon she will bring her two kids over to join her, and when she puts to bed, the whole house will turn to Family house, I will have none of this foolishness.
Nkechi has to go, call me mean spirited, Wicked,  Witch.
I am past caring......

Dear Diary : It wont be bad to part ways with Ifem

I came back home after kissing Wayne goodbye to the whole house smelling of pastries and deliciousness,

"humnnn what's cooking and who's cooking I asked Lucy watching Zee world in the Parlor"

"is it not you people's friend that is playing chef in the kitchen,  cooking soups and packing in the freezer then baking since here,  as for me am doing testing for her,  she can cook gan,  abeg make we employ her full time "

" Which of our friend " I asked Lucy,  though I already knew who it might be but am dreading the answer and I hope for my sake am wrong.

" Nkechi nah,  her boyfriend has beat her black and blue again then boot her out "

I called Ifem on phone,  she picked and asked me to open door for her,  she came in with an armful of groceries,  smiling sheepishly,  she gave Lucy the stuffs then lead me to her room for a talk.

" Ifem, Nkechi is at the kitchen doing what I don't know  how did she get here in the first place? Can't you simply say a straight forward uncomplicated NO? 

"Ure,  Nk is our friend,  she called me up,  she was kicked out I can't possibly say no, we can't accommodate you, when we have space and  she wont mind sleeping anywhere.  Ure please have a heart,  that girl has passed through a lot,  imagine she told me she has been sleeping at people's shops!  Shops Ure,  when we have a house here,  no no no I simply can't turn a friend down,  I just can't.  Its easy for you but not for me. 

"Ifem do you know that each time you bring somebody home I age? I feel my youth draining from me, I feel old, I feel responsible " we are still young for God's  sake,  we can't keep on accommodating every Tom, Dick and Harry that is stranded,"  what does this make us? It makes us look like frustrated spinsters living alone who hates guys,  we look like grandmother's,  Ifem you can't keep on acting like the Lone Ranger that rescues damsels in distress,  that's not fair to me.  Am not happy anymore,  just not happy anymore,  when next they call you tell them you are equally stranded" or rather give them my number let them call me so I can say the heavy "NO" to them myself.

"But am not stranded Ure and neither are you " OK I get it, this will be the last time ever, only I can't turn down a heavily pregnant friend who is homeless and penniless"

"She is what? " did I hear you say Pregnant?"  Oh God somebody should club me with a hot stove  now,  am finished.
She is pregnant for who? This is the third time oo, pregnant for David? That idiot?

"Ure does it matter? The pregnancy belongs to Nelson or Ade, she is not sure which" Please let's not judge her, some ladies are like that,  they are so emotional they can't say no to guys.

I looked at Ifem, I can't believe what I was hearing, this means Ifem has been discussing with her.

Dear Diary : My next new year resolution on my mind

Those girls hustling at Malibu hotels near my office came to make hair today,  I was fixing weavon for the black ugly one Lovett, when the very vulgar one that calls herself Humble walks in,  Sat beside my client and started gisting in a very loud voice,  am sure people at Ojuelegba could hear her if they wished to.

"Lovett eh,  that guy that you saw me leading to my room no edge ooo,  guess what he did?  He asked me to wear condom over my hands,  then he pulled his trousers,  bend down and asked me to finger his arse!

"Oh Jesus" my Madam shouted looking at her,   mouth wide open, the comb she was holding suspended in the air

"God forbid said Dennis
"Tufiakwa" I whispered

Everybody was wearing a grave face paying attention to her now.  Even I wants to vomit.

"So the guy says he will pay 2k, so I wore the condom then put my hand inside his arse which already has a big hole by the way showing the guy must have been doing this before,, he said I should shagg him with my hand,  so I was putting it,  removing it. And..........

""Sister please here is a Salon,  you are frightening my customers and stylists, finish the story when you guys gets back home" said my madam to Humble in a voice I didn't recognize.

Ah ah Madam Classic,  is not her fault people are listening to her gist,  OK Humble low your voice so they won't hear but that one na eavesdropping nah Classic" said Lovett to my Madam jokingly.

"Ure please make Lovett's hair fast so she can go with her friend" my hands where already shaking,  from the narrative I heard,  I was already wondering,  imagining,  recreating the scenario,  I strongly feel like vomiting,  my stomach was singing loudly by then.

Finally they left,  My Madam started sobbing to our surprise,  she removed  her Apron fold it into a ball,  threw it far from her,  took her car keys and left.

Everywhere was quiet.
Finally Dennis said

"these girls are meeting a lot of characters in that hotel,  what she describes is too raw,  I know she is Lying, she might be lying abi Ure,  talk,  you know about everything,  you should know about this one too"

"Dennis abeg free me,  I am not Google,  I don't know, I was not there with her.

I picked my phone to call Ifem and tell her about it,  then I remembered I was supposed to be very  angry at her.
I logged into my Facebook instead,  replied some messages,  turned down dinner invitations, surfed through people's timelines just to distract and amuse myself yet  my thoughts still strays to  Humble's story. What if the guy was a serial killer?............

This Salon business can be bad for the soul.  You hear things you are not supposed to hear.
I called Wayne and asked him to come pick me after work.

After all these I need a little TLC treatment from one who loves me.....

Dear Diary : Dating Wayne wont be easy.

I woke up this morning to find words like "OLDIE" "PERVET" "CHILD ABUSE"  written at my door.  I instantly knew who did it,  Ifem's sense of humor runs on the dark side.

"please oo,  whosever is using my door to rehearse for spelling bee should desist from it,  this is so not Funny" I shouted while using my palms and elbows to clean the mess,  then I found out it was carved into the door! The paint was just finishing touch. I was so furious that I screamed.......

Lucy came out of her room to join me at the corridor suppressing laughter,  she almost choked on it,  I gave her my sternest look to show her I won't appreciate her laughter at this moment.

"YOU know Ifem did it" she whispered to me,  I nodded in confirmation,  nobody else is capable of this except the she-goat and she will think I will see it and laugh.

I couldn't take it anymore,  I was annoyed I have to express it,  so I started shouting and swearing,  going from corridor to kitchen to Parlour raising my voice and my feet whenever I pass Ifem's   door. She is a heavy sleeper but I want to wake her so she can come and  witness her Fine Penmanship displayed at my door.

Lucy was still following me about pleading I stop causing  a racket,  the Landlady who lives in the next compound might hear,  and other tenants might also report to her even if she didn't hear.  And all these commotion is for her grandson,  how happy do you think she will be with both of you, Lucy tried to reason with me.

"Is it worth it? Lucy asked me,  maybe the Landlady will congratulate you and allow us live rent free for the  rest of our lives or maybe she will serve us Quit notice and we will start going from agent to agent househunting under the hot sun"

I pretend not to hear her terrible reasoning,  I keep on shouting,  then I started pounding on Ifem's door,  I was almost ready to fight her,  I am tired of being the peacekeeper.  She wisely or mousely played Possum till I got tired of Marching up and down, Dressed up for work and left.

Later I got a message at work from her.
"forgive me Eureee, I will repaint the door,  let's be civil to one another please".

This can never be the end of it,  she must explain the "PERVET" word.  Am having none of this half  hearted apology from someone as cold as Ifem the ice Queen

Dear Diary : Ifem is a qualified kill joy!

As I got home, the girls were at the sitting room watching that their annoying Zee world! I sat down, brought out my bag, extract the money and start counting it loudly .

"Jesus Ure who did you Rob"  ask Ifem
"My friend my friend haff wins lottery oo"  joked Lucy " I get share nah"

"I robbed nobody, Wayne gave it to me for shopping" I announced

" Which Wayne" asked Daisy "That small Wayne? The land lady's grandson?

"Haba, Ure, how could you? That boy is too small, maybe he was drunk, I won't be surprised to see him in the morning asking for his money back"  said Ifem the kill joy.

"Babe they get that boy size for condom so? I was saw him piss near that backyard tank and his kini is very tiny" laughed Lucy , gist us nah

Dear Diary : You wont believe who i saw today

I saw Bisi and she was not looking too well, I was at Lacy's supermarket doing my monthly shopping when I look up from the toiletries aisle, I saw her, at first I didn't recognise her, not until she flashed that her wide gap tooth, like a tunnel Julius Berger dug!

"Ure howfa" she cooed, rushing to hug me and laughing too loudly now
"Bee , the Bee, it has been long ooo, look at you, chopping your money alone" I chanted. I was being economical with the truth and she knows it.

"Ure stop joor, everybody that knows me before , knows am not looking as good as I used to" don't patronise me abeg"
"Bee how's  Ade, Gbola, Mumsy and Popsy?  I must reach una side one of these days ooo, it has been long, and I must chop Amala on top Mumsy head before I go" I said to Bisi.
"Longer longer throat, no come give us shortage abeg, ehen... how's Ifem sef? You guys still live together?
" Yes oo, no leave no transfer ,my dear we still managing ourselves. I said.

"Ure you know say I dey vex for you, you no fit call person, if you still have my number, nawah for you , when will you ever change? Flash me now let me confirm you have my number"

I quickly flashed her, she smiled and we said goodbye, promised each other visits though I don't want to visit her or she visit me biko.
I know I might be a little mean in my assessment of her but Bisi is not looking good atall atall, that weight loss therapy and evil concoction she was peddling then is not working for her, rather she looks like she is wearing her skin which is oversized by the way, is not by force to shed weight nah.

I must gist the girls today, we all must laugh her wella, am pleased with myself for not taking that evil, foul smelling concoction with them, she looked very pretty plus sized before now she looks like someone's Halloween costume from hell.
As soon as I got home, I went to the fridge, picked my bottle of another version of slimming pills, went to the sink, turned it down then watch as my 25K run down the drain.
Am no longer gisting the girls of the poor girls misfortune.

I just sat against the kitchen cabinets and weep for my life, I wish is easier, I wish weight loss is as simple and easy as take pills.

Dear Diary : Finally i had a dinner with Wayne

Wayne picked me after work, he was there by 6pm.
Wayne is barely 21, very slim, straight and fair. I look like Wayne's mother, if not his grandmother. Wayne is also my land lady's grandson! Her beloved grandson who she so much loves and shows off his pictures before the idiot came home from London.

The silly boy thinks he is in love with me! I suspects he wants to prove his manhood by shagging an older woman.

I tried explaining to the boy like I would explain to a slow retarded eight year old boy, I let him know he is not in love with but he might be sexually attracted to me which is not good, he should fine his mate or pick one of those girls hanging  around him and his sagging ilk.
All these explanation and Wayne was busy sipping his wine and looking at me like I was speaking Latin. 

Dear Diary : Wayne visited me at work

The sheer audacity of that boy, those silly girls at work were all giggling and eyeing the foolish boy,
I stopped taking Wayne's calls two weeks ago, I swear that boy might be the death of me, I have explained to him mildly, wildly, calmly, loudly that we can't date, he is too young for me. Yet Wayne don't call me ROONEY won't let me be.

Wayne for example looks like a juvenile delinquent, with the seven gold necklaces he wear all at once, the loud music he plays in his small convertible car, the way he sags his trouser showing off his child sized boxer shorts, his face caps and heavy thick gold bangles, and a single earring.
The idiot has a mock cowlick on his hair!

Wayne made his dramatic appearance bearing gifts, Flowers, three boxes of pizza, a Coldstone ice cream, The little devil knew I couldn't resist the gifts, to cap it all he walks towards me, knelt on one knee in front of my madam and some customers,

Dear Diary : Justice Edna came to make her hair today

"You know Madam Classic,  in a normal saloon setting,  customers copy the hairdressers syles then replicate it on theirs,  what I don't get is Your Girl Ure's hair,  her styles are always out of it,  scary I will say,  why don't you caution her?  If it is to be in my court I would have....

'Your Honour Ure's style is her signature and believe it or not some customers copy it,  I admire her,  she is courageous and innovative and could you believe she fix it herself? 
My madam I must admit is all sweet today,  am regretting the hell fire prayer I always say on her,  I take it back.

"That for weird customers,  not educated ones like me,  did I tell you am Harvard trained?  Madam classic what's the name of those her silly styles?

"Ure tell her what you call your styles but to me is simply Ure's,  Hahaha.

"I call it Galaxy Ma" I said in a tiny barely audible voice,  though I was struggling with self loathing for this ugly woman that calls herself a Justice,  who finds fault in all I do,  I always pray she makes hair on my off days,  her being here today means God is not listening.

"What's Galaxy? Idiotic name,  say Mohawk,  Ure you are so illiterate for one so pretty"

"I call my hairstyle whatever I like, is my hair" I thundered,  drop the comb hard on the floor and walked away.

"Did that silly,  uncultured buffoon just walk out on Me?  You are lucky is not my law court I would have jailed you for contempt of the court" Dennis darling would you mind turning on the AC? And madam classic I won't set my foot here again if you don't sack that Fool.

My Madam was not happy am her most trusted stylist and the most fastest,  I was willing her to fight for me,  walk the Justice out,  she didn't but I was layer told she explained to the Justice in a firm voice that I am invaluable to her.

The ugly woman later left with the ugliest hairstyle ever.

Dear Diary : I give up! I simply give up

Lucy came home today and announced to no one in particular she wants to be a caterer,  she already have a school in mind,  she enrolled today,  she paid half even .

"what?  Shouted I gem

The way Ifem turned her neck to look at her was amazing like a cobra ready to strike,  then she turned and said to me

"Ure to the kitchen,  let's talk,  she now gave Lucy a dirty look.

I don't particularly like being summoned like that,  as if am a fool but I followed her nevertheless,  I was shocked by Lucys announcement,  she should have known better,  Ifem wants her gone as in yesterday now she is enrolling for a course planning to stay the same place she is unwanted.

"Ure I don't like your attitude in this matter,  if you have supported in booting that girl out, she won't be saying all these,  how would you like it if I pick the side of someone you are fighting? Would you like it?

Dear Diary : Ifem fought Lucy today...

IFEM slapped Lucy first, then Lucy slapped back,  kicked her and pushed her to the wall,  I witnessed it,  Annie too.

IFEM wants Lucy to leave our apartment, she never like Lucy and does  not understand my attachment to her,  she  accused Lucy severally in the past of crimes ranging from Witchcraft,  kleptomania,  boo snatcher,  global warming and hurricanes.

Dear Diary : I swear to keep off tight clothes...

This morning at work,  my Madam gave me an address for home service braiding!   My Madam is very wicked,  she should have called me and informed me when I was still at home,  before I came to work so I chose a nice outfit fit for home services.  Now am at work with my tightest top and leggings,  my boobs and all curves showing.

I can't go home to change so I pray the customer be single and even if she is married the husband shouldn't be at home,  even if he is home let him be a Lepa fan not a plus Sized ladies Fan.

After much difficulty I found the address,  the stupid security guy whistled softly when I walked pass him,  I felt like going home,  this day is almost ruined already.