Dear Diary : Lucy Surprised me....

Ifem was entertaining a guest at the sitting room, with me present laughing at every unfunny joke the guy was making, Nkechi was foolishly feeding the guest and his two friends all our food, I was praying Nepa cease light so I can excuse myself and go out.
That was when Lucy made her grand entrance, on pants and Bras only! Lucy is the very tall, very curvy, very thick Plus size. She is built like a rock, a very beautiful breathtaking rock at that, wide hips, very flat tummy, full chest with twin ripe boobs threatening to spill out, endless well tanned legs. And she appeared almost naked that Ifem's flame spilled his drink, his friends looking hungrily at Lucys body.
"Ure, Ifem, did any of you see my Girdle pant? I have searched all over I can't see it, I saw only this" she was dangling a black silky pant and making a small provocative dance with her body, lips pouting, some guys will find that very arousing
"I pulled it here last night when I got home tired, please can you guys check where you are sitting, maybe one of you is sitting on it" she giggled innocently
By then Ifem was searching all over the cushion looking for the underwear so Lucy can take her naked self back to the room.
"Lu go inside, if we find it I will bring it for you" I said to her, wincing at the way her body was dancing, she was not standing still but pacing! This Lucy has the brain of a cup cake! Jeez! She was still standing there watching Ifem's movement, searching for her Girdle pant, smiling and sucking her thumbs like she has an imaginary lollipop.
Nkechi came out with a tray full of sandwiches, she nearly dropped the tray when she saw Lucy, she calmly placed the tray on top of the centre table, then she straightened herself, looked at Lucy shaked her head.
"Lucy your Girdle is not here, I have guests stop distracting them with your fatness, go wear another Girdle biko" says Ifem to her angrily while looking at me.
Lucy was leaning at the Dinning chair now, looking at all of us as if she is daring us to move her, she will slowly raise one leg up to inspect something there then put it down, touch her chest non challantly.
"Come oo Lucy, I don't know what you are working at, but this is not fair, if you have anything against Ifem, why not settle it privately, why this show of nudity? She has guests for Christ sake, I will push you myself if you don't leave now, says a very angry Nkechi.
"Erm..... I will suggest you let her be, maybe she wants to wear the cloth to somewhere and we are sitting on it, we are about leaving anyway, guys let's go" Ifem's guest was leaving with his friends.
I was speechless, Lucy just turn round and marched back to her room, swaying her hips and buttocks, Ifem's guests looking at her like they will tear her up and eat her. Ifem was guiding them to the door, looking drained.
Nkechi was very very angry, she went to the kitchen, came back with a ziplock bag and start packing the untouched sandwiches.
"What are we going to call this behaviour, Ure? Is this how you people live here now? She asked me.
I was about to answer when Ifem came in and burst out laughing, I and Nkechi was looking at her confused, this was not the reaction we expected from her, at least knowing Ifem, lucy's bags should be out of the house by now.
Lucy joined her at the sitting room and both of them were laughing their heads off.
"We planned it Lucy explained to me.
"Fucker was toasting me, won't take no for an answer, wants to know my house, so I planned this little drama with Lucy to show him how insane we all are to get rid of him, only I was not expecting him to show up with two of his friends" Ifem was explaining, I was thinking my plan has failed, Lucy won't come out again half naked in front of three guys but We did it she shouted happily .
"Jeez Ure relax, you look like someone died, Lucy you see why I begged you not to tell her, look at her face, the guy would have known we are acting had Ure known about it, Ure can't act to save her Life!
Chai Lucy you can act for Africa, you are a natural!
They were laughing while I hissed and left them to admire their new found Career.
I felt like a fool, Lucy should be my ally not Ifem's
I Am worried about this their new partnership.

Dear Diary : It wont be bad to part ways with Ifem 2

How could this idiot let Nelson that is Moore or less a Moron pour toxic sperm in her body and impregnate her?  I WILL hate that baby,  I am sure I will.

"Ure don't talk like that, I am also a single mother remember? It does not mean I am wayward or lose" says Ifem to me

"MY Dear you were a single mother in your teens, don't equate yourself with this old woman adding to the world's population by her idiocy, Please.

Oh my Life,  what a day, 

"Ure stop acting like Saint Solomona,  let's help our friend" Ifem said

"please I don't know her,  I retorted,  and walked out of Ifem's room to my room.

I was on the bed thinking when Nkechi poked her head inside and said

"Ah Ure I  heard you are back,  are you hungry? I made some coconut rice, vegetable soup and I also baked cake specially for you,  your favorite White velvet cake,  you can take it to work tomorrow,  I also made peppered chicken,  Munchies recipe,  you know I worked there once,  you will enjoy it.  Let me go dish for you"

When I didn't respond even with a grunt she walked towards me,  her tummy showing evidence of sex!sex! sex! So much that I nearly cried, very big and bulging,  Ifem said she is pregnant but didn't say she is almost due putting to bed

"Ure please I know you hate me right now,  can you just pretend to like me a little,  I am passing through a lot " you can show your disappointment and disapproval after I put to bed.  Bikonu ooo,  Nwanne Mmadu" Nkechi said to me straightening my hair.

I nod then asked her to dish my share,  then wrap it with foil and put inside freezer for me,  I will reheat when I am ready. 
🐏She nod and left.

I made a mental note to find out who is responsible for this, then assassinate him.

I will also ask Wayne for a loan, so I get her a small apartment, I can't stand her staying at my place, playing house Chef, walking around with that Tummy, very soon she will bring her two kids over to join her, and when she puts to bed, the whole house will turn to Family house, I will have none of this foolishness.
Nkechi has to go, call me mean spirited, Wicked,  Witch.
I am past caring......

Dear Diary : It wont be bad to part ways with Ifem

I came back home after kissing Wayne goodbye to the whole house smelling of pastries and deliciousness,

"humnnn what's cooking and who's cooking I asked Lucy watching Zee world in the Parlor"

"is it not you people's friend that is playing chef in the kitchen,  cooking soups and packing in the freezer then baking since here,  as for me am doing testing for her,  she can cook gan,  abeg make we employ her full time "

" Which of our friend " I asked Lucy,  though I already knew who it might be but am dreading the answer and I hope for my sake am wrong.

" Nkechi nah,  her boyfriend has beat her black and blue again then boot her out "

I called Ifem on phone,  she picked and asked me to open door for her,  she came in with an armful of groceries,  smiling sheepishly,  she gave Lucy the stuffs then lead me to her room for a talk.

" Ifem, Nkechi is at the kitchen doing what I don't know  how did she get here in the first place? Can't you simply say a straight forward uncomplicated NO? 

"Ure,  Nk is our friend,  she called me up,  she was kicked out I can't possibly say no, we can't accommodate you, when we have space and  she wont mind sleeping anywhere.  Ure please have a heart,  that girl has passed through a lot,  imagine she told me she has been sleeping at people's shops!  Shops Ure,  when we have a house here,  no no no I simply can't turn a friend down,  I just can't.  Its easy for you but not for me. 

"Ifem do you know that each time you bring somebody home I age? I feel my youth draining from me, I feel old, I feel responsible " we are still young for God's  sake,  we can't keep on accommodating every Tom, Dick and Harry that is stranded,"  what does this make us? It makes us look like frustrated spinsters living alone who hates guys,  we look like grandmother's,  Ifem you can't keep on acting like the Lone Ranger that rescues damsels in distress,  that's not fair to me.  Am not happy anymore,  just not happy anymore,  when next they call you tell them you are equally stranded" or rather give them my number let them call me so I can say the heavy "NO" to them myself.

"But am not stranded Ure and neither are you " OK I get it, this will be the last time ever, only I can't turn down a heavily pregnant friend who is homeless and penniless"

"She is what? " did I hear you say Pregnant?"  Oh God somebody should club me with a hot stove  now,  am finished.
She is pregnant for who? This is the third time oo, pregnant for David? That idiot?

"Ure does it matter? The pregnancy belongs to Nelson or Ade, she is not sure which" Please let's not judge her, some ladies are like that,  they are so emotional they can't say no to guys.

I looked at Ifem, I can't believe what I was hearing, this means Ifem has been discussing with her.

Dear Diary : My next new year resolution on my mind

Those girls hustling at Malibu hotels near my office came to make hair today,  I was fixing weavon for the black ugly one Lovett, when the very vulgar one that calls herself Humble walks in,  Sat beside my client and started gisting in a very loud voice,  am sure people at Ojuelegba could hear her if they wished to.

"Lovett eh,  that guy that you saw me leading to my room no edge ooo,  guess what he did?  He asked me to wear condom over my hands,  then he pulled his trousers,  bend down and asked me to finger his arse!

"Oh Jesus" my Madam shouted looking at her,   mouth wide open, the comb she was holding suspended in the air

"God forbid said Dennis
"Tufiakwa" I whispered

Everybody was wearing a grave face paying attention to her now.  Even I wants to vomit.

"So the guy says he will pay 2k, so I wore the condom then put my hand inside his arse which already has a big hole by the way showing the guy must have been doing this before,, he said I should shagg him with my hand,  so I was putting it,  removing it. And..........

""Sister please here is a Salon,  you are frightening my customers and stylists, finish the story when you guys gets back home" said my madam to Humble in a voice I didn't recognize.

Ah ah Madam Classic,  is not her fault people are listening to her gist,  OK Humble low your voice so they won't hear but that one na eavesdropping nah Classic" said Lovett to my Madam jokingly.

"Ure please make Lovett's hair fast so she can go with her friend" my hands where already shaking,  from the narrative I heard,  I was already wondering,  imagining,  recreating the scenario,  I strongly feel like vomiting,  my stomach was singing loudly by then.

Finally they left,  My Madam started sobbing to our surprise,  she removed  her Apron fold it into a ball,  threw it far from her,  took her car keys and left.

Everywhere was quiet.
Finally Dennis said

"these girls are meeting a lot of characters in that hotel,  what she describes is too raw,  I know she is Lying, she might be lying abi Ure,  talk,  you know about everything,  you should know about this one too"

"Dennis abeg free me,  I am not Google,  I don't know, I was not there with her.

I picked my phone to call Ifem and tell her about it,  then I remembered I was supposed to be very  angry at her.
I logged into my Facebook instead,  replied some messages,  turned down dinner invitations, surfed through people's timelines just to distract and amuse myself yet  my thoughts still strays to  Humble's story. What if the guy was a serial killer?............

This Salon business can be bad for the soul.  You hear things you are not supposed to hear.
I called Wayne and asked him to come pick me after work.

After all these I need a little TLC treatment from one who loves me.....

Dear Diary : Dating Wayne wont be easy.

I woke up this morning to find words like "OLDIE" "PERVET" "CHILD ABUSE"  written at my door.  I instantly knew who did it,  Ifem's sense of humor runs on the dark side.

"please oo,  whosever is using my door to rehearse for spelling bee should desist from it,  this is so not Funny" I shouted while using my palms and elbows to clean the mess,  then I found out it was carved into the door! The paint was just finishing touch. I was so furious that I screamed.......

Lucy came out of her room to join me at the corridor suppressing laughter,  she almost choked on it,  I gave her my sternest look to show her I won't appreciate her laughter at this moment.

"YOU know Ifem did it" she whispered to me,  I nodded in confirmation,  nobody else is capable of this except the she-goat and she will think I will see it and laugh.

I couldn't take it anymore,  I was annoyed I have to express it,  so I started shouting and swearing,  going from corridor to kitchen to Parlour raising my voice and my feet whenever I pass Ifem's   door. She is a heavy sleeper but I want to wake her so she can come and  witness her Fine Penmanship displayed at my door.

Lucy was still following me about pleading I stop causing  a racket,  the Landlady who lives in the next compound might hear,  and other tenants might also report to her even if she didn't hear.  And all these commotion is for her grandson,  how happy do you think she will be with both of you, Lucy tried to reason with me.

"Is it worth it? Lucy asked me,  maybe the Landlady will congratulate you and allow us live rent free for the  rest of our lives or maybe she will serve us Quit notice and we will start going from agent to agent househunting under the hot sun"

I pretend not to hear her terrible reasoning,  I keep on shouting,  then I started pounding on Ifem's door,  I was almost ready to fight her,  I am tired of being the peacekeeper.  She wisely or mousely played Possum till I got tired of Marching up and down, Dressed up for work and left.

Later I got a message at work from her.
"forgive me Eureee, I will repaint the door,  let's be civil to one another please".

This can never be the end of it,  she must explain the "PERVET" word.  Am having none of this half  hearted apology from someone as cold as Ifem the ice Queen

Dear Diary : Ifem is a qualified kill joy!

As I got home, the girls were at the sitting room watching that their annoying Zee world! I sat down, brought out my bag, extract the money and start counting it loudly .

"Jesus Ure who did you Rob"  ask Ifem
"My friend my friend haff wins lottery oo"  joked Lucy " I get share nah"

"I robbed nobody, Wayne gave it to me for shopping" I announced

" Which Wayne" asked Daisy "That small Wayne? The land lady's grandson?

"Haba, Ure, how could you? That boy is too small, maybe he was drunk, I won't be surprised to see him in the morning asking for his money back"  said Ifem the kill joy.

"Babe they get that boy size for condom so? I was saw him piss near that backyard tank and his kini is very tiny" laughed Lucy , gist us nah

Dear Diary : You wont believe who i saw today

I saw Bisi and she was not looking too well, I was at Lacy's supermarket doing my monthly shopping when I look up from the toiletries aisle, I saw her, at first I didn't recognise her, not until she flashed that her wide gap tooth, like a tunnel Julius Berger dug!

"Ure howfa" she cooed, rushing to hug me and laughing too loudly now
"Bee , the Bee, it has been long ooo, look at you, chopping your money alone" I chanted. I was being economical with the truth and she knows it.

"Ure stop joor, everybody that knows me before , knows am not looking as good as I used to" don't patronise me abeg"
"Bee how's  Ade, Gbola, Mumsy and Popsy?  I must reach una side one of these days ooo, it has been long, and I must chop Amala on top Mumsy head before I go" I said to Bisi.
"Longer longer throat, no come give us shortage abeg, ehen... how's Ifem sef? You guys still live together?
" Yes oo, no leave no transfer ,my dear we still managing ourselves. I said.

"Ure you know say I dey vex for you, you no fit call person, if you still have my number, nawah for you , when will you ever change? Flash me now let me confirm you have my number"

I quickly flashed her, she smiled and we said goodbye, promised each other visits though I don't want to visit her or she visit me biko.
I know I might be a little mean in my assessment of her but Bisi is not looking good atall atall, that weight loss therapy and evil concoction she was peddling then is not working for her, rather she looks like she is wearing her skin which is oversized by the way, is not by force to shed weight nah.

I must gist the girls today, we all must laugh her wella, am pleased with myself for not taking that evil, foul smelling concoction with them, she looked very pretty plus sized before now she looks like someone's Halloween costume from hell.
As soon as I got home, I went to the fridge, picked my bottle of another version of slimming pills, went to the sink, turned it down then watch as my 25K run down the drain.
Am no longer gisting the girls of the poor girls misfortune.

I just sat against the kitchen cabinets and weep for my life, I wish is easier, I wish weight loss is as simple and easy as take pills.